NARUTO SHIPPUUDEN POST: THE MOVIE EDITION
Okay, so this Saturday, six gaijin women, rholey, maxxim_huzzah, E., L., M. and myself, the unfailable shigeruhiko went to Osaka and attacked OS Gekijou Theater, braving the crowds of Japanese boys and went to see the Fourth Naruto Movie. We may not have been the only women there by themselves, but we were the only foreigners.
And now, for your pleasure. . . everything you might want to know about this movie, plus some random shit that we thought was funny! And an explination for the theme song as well.
Random trufax: The theme song for this movie was "Lie, Lie, Lie." Keep that in mind as you read. =D
OMG SPOILERS AHEAD!
We all went into this movie expecting a few things. One of them was Akatsuki and Sasuke. Well, I am here to tell you that NEITHER OF THEM WERE IN THIS MOVIE. Not even a FLASHBACK! Tsunade DOES mention the Uchiha wonderchild"s name in the beginning, but that's about all we get. And there is NOTHING about Akatsuki. While these are good things, personally, I had wanted some random awesome fighting. Apparently, I was "Lie, lie, lie"ed to.
Well, that wasn't the first or LAST time we were "lie, lie, lie"ed to. Bwahahahahaha.
So, you remember the trailer where Naruto's headband comes flying off his head and then we all see Sakura and Lee and Neji at the grave and Sakura screams? NEVER. HAPPENS. The ONLY person screaming Naruto's name in this movie is Shion, the miko. There was another trailer with a dissappearing ransengan that also DID NOT HAPPEN.
THERE WAS NO KYUUBI NARUTO IN THIS MOVIE. Despite being in trailers and ALL OVER THE POSTERS for this movie, he did not appear. I felt kind of cheated.
Yes. And no. He dies at the beginning of the movie, and later a bunshin gets stabbed hard and it looks like he died then too. So, it LOOKS like he dies, but apparently it was all in Shion's head.
Note: The Theme Song of this movie was "Lie, Lie, Lie."
Dattebayo's said: 23
Naruto Deaths: 2
Mary Sue says "Die, Naruto, Die": 4
Number of "NO I AM NOT GUNNA DIE" 1
Rasengan count: 7
Kagebunshin: 3
This last count was done because everyone knows I love Obito hardcore. Meanies.
Rocks fall: OVER NINE THOUSAND (though there WERE a LOT of rocks falling. . . )
Okay, so this movie starts out with Naruto dying, YAYAYAYAY. We get to see the miko, Shion, scream that beautilful, bloodcurdling "NARUTOOOOO" and then we get a rather quiet, rainy funereal. It was kind of "Um, but I watched this happen on tv Thursday. What?" Then it suddenly changes to the movie villans going to a temple and destroying it, so the Main Bad Guy could take a evil entity into himsef. O.o That was a creepy awesome scene, what with the fact that Mr. Badass CUTS HIMSELF OPEN, as in HIS OWN TORSO, and then the demon jumps on in (hot), and then the dude sews himself back up, no blood required. Apparently it must be rather easy to get demons to join with you today, instead of virgin and blood sacrifices you just offer your apparently fermaldehyded body to them.
I bet Tsunade can't sew up a torso with her fingers in five seconds. But apparently he knows "Dark Medical Ninjutsu." He also has chakra zombies. Okay, they aren't REALLY zombies, but MORE INFOS LATER.
So, Dude revives this stone army and is going to take over the world. He runs down a fort that sends a message to Konoha, where they start moving everyone out to fight. OMG, ninja everywhere. Most everyone gets a little cameo in the movie, whoowhoo. Naruto "rescues" a little girl from being trampled (wait, when did that vision end? Huh? If you are confused, well, we were too), and puts her on top of a water cooler. Because Naruto, after spending two years with Jiraiya-sama, is still AS SMART AS EVER.
At the Hokage tower, Naruto and Sakura get thier orders, they are paired up with Neji and Lee. Naruto whines, of course, and Tsunade reminds him with no love that he is full of fail and still just a genin. HAHA NARUTO YOU SUCK. She also mentions that Neji is the replacement for Kakashi, and Lee is Sasuke's replacement. Naruto and Sakura are filled with gloom at that, and then Shizune reminds her not to mention Sasuke. WHOOPS.
The team heads out, and Naruto is actually decent about The Neji being in charge, although he DOES get out of lie and the Nejinator reminds him "You are a genin and beneath me." Riiiiight. The Neji my dear, do you remember Naruto kicking you ass? Yes? Okay. Moving on. The Team is heading to the Oni Country to find Shion and protect her. OOOOO. Naruto watched to be killing Rock Soldier buuuut Naruto sucks. Kinda.
We arrive at the temple/shrine/village where Shion-miko lives, to find her sleeping the day away, then her place getting attacked. Fighting happens, and eventually Team Seisshun arrives, with Neji sending in Naruto to kill things. Of course, he comes up against the Movie BAd Guy's Lackeies, the Chakra Zombie Four.
I am taking time to explain them now: Bad Guy had four lackeys that he feeds Chakra to with snakes. It's creepy and reminds me of Parasyte and that wierd and awesome episode of Star Trek: TNG with the snake/mukade/centipede things worming into thier necks. I promise a better description of them when the dvd gets released for the movie (I will do a REAL summary then with more details), but basically, they use chakra like a drug, and when they run out, they ask for more from one of thier brothers, who carries extra worms in his body. O.o
So they fight Naruto, and Naruto does kagebunshin and totally gets pwnd by the Zombie siblings. Lee comes and saves him, Shion is being taken out of the shrine place by some adorable archer with Kaoru's voice is running away. Neji saves them from one of the Zombies, and then our intrepid heroes have Shion. Yay. Kind of.
What you need to know folks is that Shion is not really a Mary Sue--She is just a bitch. No, really. She doesn't care that she's treated like a princess and 3467587986 people in her village just died protecting her. She is just all "Whetever. You all are awful at protecting, and by the way Naruto, you. . .you're going to die by getting staked."
The following scenes are them getting ready to go and escourt the miko to the cave where they need to reseal the bad guy, and I can't remember it all that well. XD Naruto gets pounced in Shion's audience chamber by his team and told to behave (super cute), Shion acts like a bitch, and later Naruto puts on pots and pans to wear as armour as Shion tells him over and over how he will die. XDD
Eventually they set off to go and Seal away the baddies, and the archer dude follows them. Shion yells at the Archer to GO HOME, and he keeps saying "No, I will protect you. No, I will protect you." and no matter HOW bitchy she is (and she is FULL of bitchy), he stays. She also bitches at Sakura for not being more lady like and dignified in her carrying. And Archer boy lags behind in the running with the ninja.
Moving along, Archer boy tells Naruto Shion's tragic past. Which is AMAZINGLY LIKE NARUTO'S AND GAARA'S. (Not that Gaara is in this movie, btw.) She was unloved and hated by the villagers because she can see Deaths and is a creepy miko thing. (And is a bitch.) Naruto is like "OMG I MUST BE NICE" and yay she walks in on Naruto and the Archer talking about her. She again fights with the Archer and tells him to go home.
They keep moving, and run into the Chakra Zombie Siblings, and fight them. Neji knocks Shion out (AT LAST, should have done this sooner), and They all go and fight. Lee has a GREAT scene where he flashes back to Gai-sensei giving him a present that he is ONLY allowed to use in a "Dai Pinchi!" or a big fix, and what is this gift? A chocolate RUM BALL. We have an AWESOME Dunk-fu scene, yay. Lee was spinning around like a complete dork in his flashback, this scene was awesome.
Lee manages to kill the brother with Rock hands while drunk.
I don't really remember the rest of the fights here. But Naruto fights the Water Sib (the token girl), and he rasengans her. Sakura gets poisoned, Neji fights another one.
So, they regroup, archer boy is dead because he played the role of Shion's fake, a jutsu that apparently all the archer people can do to protect Shion. The whys and hows of this were kind of "Hiko doesn't get it," but that was more me being all "I am dumb, I need diagrams," then lack of Japanese. AHAHA. So, Naruto takes Shion and they head to the Cave of Nom-Akatsuki Wonders to seal off the bad guy, and Sakura, Lee and Neji go and kill the remaining chakra zombie siblings.
Naruto stops at a river to have an Herbal Essances moment and use JESUS NO JUTSU!!!!! Shion is AT LAST saved by the power of UZUMAKIANITY, and we continue of with the movie.
Heading to the Cave of Sealing at last, Naruto runs into stone soldiers and does the HUGE kage bunshin and starts rasengan-ing them to death. He yells at Shion to go and do her thing, and she runs inside the lava pit barefoot to seal the bad guy away.
Kakashi appears here to help by using Raikiri (SEE PEOPLE? Lightning DOES beat stone), and Naruto runs inside to help Shion.
Shion freaks cause this is the spot where her vision of Naruto dying was. The Hydra of purply death appears, but Shion's bell saves the day. More flashbacks with Shion and her mother, apparently this was some sort of charm to protect her daughter. Remembering that her mother died sealing this away, she is not willing to do the same and die to seal away the bad guy.
MARY SUE POWERS ACTIVATE! No, seriously, she gets some awesome pretty power ups straight out of Mary Sue land, and Naruto is all "NO SHION DON'T DIE!!!" and stops her from saving the day. Instead, he uses her mother's bell and they do a "Cho Chakra Rasengan," so a "Super Chakra Rasengan" and they destroy the thing completely this time, instead of simply sealing it away.
That is the end of the movie.
No, really. Through the credits we get to see the the mountain where the cave was has become mount doom. But, like most Anime things, you stay through the end. So you get to see more random ninja (Including Temari, WTF??? No other Sand nin but Temari were in this movie), and at the very end. . . .
Shion asks Naruto to help her have a baby. No, seriously. And he says yes.
Shion: Naruto, please help me make the next miko.
Naruto: Sure, I'll lend you my power! Anytime!
Everyone else: OMG WTF????
And that is the REAL END.
Random things I forgot: There was a scene where they were dropping rocks on soldiers with exploding tags, were OMG, Kakashi, Gai and Iruka were on screen together, thier OT3 love is so pure. There were also random others. Asuma was NOT in this movie, nor was Shino. O.o Also, Shion's first attempt at sealing the Bad Guy with her Onmyoujutsu was pretty awesome, but she got distracted when the bad guy cackled at her.
So, that's it, in a nutshell. If you have any questions, to the best of my ability I will answer them. I plan on scanning the movie program later this week, so look forward to that too.
And that, as they say, is that.
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